Thursday, August 21

... About Muffins

Reader, the greatest scenario possible just happened to me. I don't think anyone could possibly think of any situation that would be better than what I just experienced. Of all the luck! It was one of those things that makes you just think, 'Whoa, did that seriously just happen?' It was like something out of a movie, only better, because in a movie it would never happen quite this perfectly:

I openly mocked somebody, and he responded with a promise to give me muffins.

I love muffins. And I love making fun of people. It's like the two great loves of my life all rolled up into one delicious baked good! With ridicule-flavored blueberries!

I wish all the people I made fun of would reward me with muffins. In that perfect world, Brent Hunsaker would totally owe me my own personal muffin cart by now. And you, Reader.... you'd be hard at work building me a muffin palace. By George, I would make fun of Starbucks ALL THE TIME. They have some of the greatest muffins I've ever tasted. In fact, I'm pretty sure their Pumpkin Cream Cheese muffins are imported directly from Heaven.

*sigh*

You know, Reader, I'm kind of surprised that mockery and muffins haven't crossed paths before. Both making muffins and making fun of people are art forms that must be practiced until perfect. They both make me feel all warm and happy inside, and they both give off such a sweet, homey aroma. And they're both difficult for some people to digest.

Why, they're practically the exact same thing!

No one ever gets angry when you give them a muffin. As the great philosopher Laura Numeroff once said, "If you give a moose a muffin, he'll want some jam to go with it." Yet if you make fun of someone, they don't ask you for jam. No, Reader, they simply don't understand that making fun of them is uniquely parallel to giving them a muffin. If they did, they'd be grateful for my derision! "Pass the preserves!" they'd say.

But alas, it's not to be, Reader. I don't think the world will be very open to my Mockery For Muffins philosophy. Just like you weren't very open to my ideas about running my own country, or attacking potential robots with dentist drills, or adding 'sompletely' to the vernacular. Maybe one day I'll just have to make a movie about a world that embraces my ideas and ideals. It'll be full of comedy, drama, action - it'll make you think, 'Whoa, did that seriously just happen?"

Perfect.

Friday, August 15

... About My New Toys!!!

Reader, I am composing this blog on my new macbook!  Woo-hoo!

Whoever said "stuff" can't make you happy never had an ipod touch.  McKenna, I finally understand what you've been saying.  Pure glee.

Until I figure this thing out - adios!

Tuesday, August 12

... About When I Don't Have Anything New to Post

Reader, I kid you not. My life is in peril. The largest mosquito in the history of the planet just tried to eat me. It flew away before I could kill it, and now it's just waiting... somewhere... biding its time until it attacks again. But I won't fall victim again, Reader. Next time, I'll be ready. Next time, I shall have my revenge.

I know what you're thinking, Reader. "You are such a NERD." Well, I happen to know that N.E.R.D. stands for Not Even Remotely Dorky, so I thank you.

By the way, you know those plastic-covered paper clips? I hate those.

Bailey and I were watching the Olympics last night. She said how it was too bad Michael Phelps was peaking so early in life - if he gets even the tiniest bit slower as he gets older, even if he's still competing well, all people will say is how good he USED to be. I said that I bet he'll still dominate for a long time. In fact, I bet that he'll be the first person to win 100 Olympic medals. She just stared blankly at me. "100?" "Yeah. He got 8 last time, six gold and two bronze. And he's going for 8 more this year." "Yeah, but he'd have to compete in 10 Olympics, and he'd still only get 80." "Not if he takes up winter sports. He could start curling!" She rolled her eyes at me.

You know those slide puzzle games? I have always sucked at those. I mean, really sucked. It's kinda pathetic, actually. Well, I have a little digital one on my desktop at work and every now and then when I need a break I'll play around with it. The other day I finished it in 48 seconds! Go team! Well, not so much "team" as "me." Go me!

Sometimes, when I encounter stuff that I find amusing (awkward situations, random things people say, etc.), I put them in a folder on my email or text it to myself so I can use them in a story later. But then by the time I look at them later they're often a bit confusing. For example, I just read this little gem: "I've been doing a lot of Ethel Murman mixed with Katharine Hepburn lately."

I don't like to hang up the phone when I'm done talking to people. Instead I always push in the little button to disconnect and then wait a minute before I actually hang up the headset. I don't know why.

Why is it that no Mexican restaurant has realized the greatness of the crunchy chicken taco? I made some for dinner last night, and they are wonderful. But unless you want to make a special order and annoy the waitstaff just enough to spit in your food, you just can't get them when you go out. Just once I'd like to be able to order chicken tacos at a restaurant and not get some soggy, under-stuffed soft-shell disaster.

My elbow itches. I bet it was that blasted mosquito.

Tuesday, August 5

... About Being More Whimusical

I must admit, Reader, that as a kid I always had a bit of a crush on Doogie Howser. It's one of those great TV shows that I remember watching with my family. And now, grown-up Kristen still has a soft spot in her heart for grown-up Doogie. I suppose I always will. After all, he's smart, he's cute, he's self-deprecating, and most importantly, he invented The Blog.

Remember how at the end of every episode, Doogie would contemplate the life lesson he learned in the last half-hour and record it on his computer diary (always with an adorably thoughtful little smirk)?:

Thus The Blog! And I think we both know that without wonder that is The Blog, I would never have achieved the kind of accolades and recognition that I revel in today.

So of course, when I heard that the Doogster was starring in an internet blogging supervillian musical movie sensation, I was stoked. If you haven't watched it yet, I would strongly advise that you click the link and give yourself a dose - STAT! It's the perfect way to invest the next 42 minutes of your life.

I won't even be offended if you interrupt the reading of this blog until you've seen it. It's just that good. Go on. I'll wait.

...

Oh, the joy! The rapture! The [evil] genius! Well played, Doogie. Well played. And once again, you chose to document your adventures in blog-form! And you're a doctor! You must've used your Freeze Ray, because it's like we're just picking up exactly where we left off so many years ago!

I wish my life were a action-comedy-musical so I could record it on this blog and make people happy like the Doog has made me happy. *sigh* But alas, it isn't meant to be.

...Then again...

Why not? If Doogie can do it, so can I! Go on, Reader, name me one thing that Doogie Howser has done that I can't do. Besides graduating from college at age 10. Or being a doctor. Or starring in the original Broadway cast of "Rent."

Okay, so maybe I can't make my life a musical. But I can certainly make it more whimsical. Right? More fun? More... interesting? Hmmmm.... see, the problem with increasing my life's interesting-o-meter is that it doesn't matter how high your fascinating factor is; if you multiple zero by anything it's still zero (let's see teenaged TV doctors handle THAT kind of highly advanced mathematical logic).

So I guess I'll have to start small. I'm going to shoot for one adventure a week. No, no, Reader, not THAT kind of adventure. I think we all know I don't have enough limbs to take on a challenge like that. I mean a nice, quiet, manageable kind of adventure. Once a week I'll do something that is out of my routine, my comfort zone. Like introduce myself to someone new. Or raise my hand to comment in class. Or kill a drifter with a hammer.

Oh, think of the possibilities! With just a few minor tweaks, soon my life could be WORTHY of being an internet blogging supervillain musical movie sensation! And at the end of every adventure I will come here, to my faithful blog, and share the valuable life lesson I have learned with you, Reader. Always with a thoughtful little smirk.




p.s. Have you seen that new Old Spice commercial starring Doogie? I cracked up. "I would know, because I used to be a doctor for pretend." Glee!