... About the Ways the World Should Be

Reader, remember how when I'm independently wealthy I'm going to take my multiple screenwriting Oscars and go build my own country? I've been planning it for a while, and let me tell you - this place is going to make Utopia look like Poo-topia. It's gonna be AWESOME. And not just 'awesome' in the colloquial way that we've manipulated the word to mean. It's actually going to inspire SOME AWE.

Now, Reader, no doubt you have considered what it would be like running your own country as well, and odds are you've found the task a bit overwhelming. Do not despair! It's not that I'm more qualified to run my own country (although I am). It's not that I'm more intelligent than you (although I am). You probably just went about the whole creating a country thing in an amateur fashion.

I'm willing to bet that your biggest mistake was in allowing yourself to wonder about how the government would be set up. Trust me, Reader. In the long run, it doesn't matter. Democracy, monarchy, fascist dictatorship - myeh. That will all work itself out. What's really important to figure out is the details. It's all in the details. Issues like the way all roads in my country are going to be built with a solar-powered interterranial network of super-enforced heating pipes to completely eliminate the need for snowplows, and also reduce cold weather related driving accidents.

Usually, inspiration for these details comes from my day-to-day experiences. They stem from my desire to fix things that are wrong with the world. For example:

• At restaurants, electronic touch-screen menus built into the tabletops will replace the traditional laminated menus. Think of how much paper, plastic, and ink they'll save in the long run, especially in restaurants that change their menu seasonally! There will be a photo of every item offered, as well as nutritional information, and patrons will always have the option of ordering a smaller portion of any meal at a reduced price.
• Teachers will get paid more than professional athletes. Well, at least more than baseball players. Because, you know, seriously.
• Before graduating elementary school all students must demonstrate that they know the difference between their, there, and they're, and be able to do basic arithmetic without a calculator. In order to graduate middle school they must know how to properly use a semi-colon and have a firm grasp on human biology. Once they hit high school, students will have a strong base in practical knowledge and will be able to pursue the courses they choose. Those who enjoy math will be encouraged to take calculus and statistics and what not, but the resources will not be wasted on those who will never use anything beyond the basic arithmetic needed to balance their checkbook (do you know how many tax dollars were wasted trying to get me through 10th grade chemistry? And for what? So I can look back now and remember that I learned something about riding a mole bus. What the crap is a mole?!). Emphasis will instead be placed on teaching high schoolers about a wide range of cultures, thoughts, philosophies, and ideas - things they'll actually have to use later in life.
• There will be no reality TV shows involving washed up celebrities. Or vain and stupid women trying to earn their 15 minutes by becoming the skankiest skank in all the skankdom. Or vain and stupid men trying to get it on with the skankiest skank in all the skankdom. So pretty much no reality TV.
• And no David Hasselhoff. Children should be able to grow up in a world where they never have to know about David Hasselhoff.
• Anyone caught cruising at or below the speed limit in the passing lane will be deported. As will anyone who habitually forgets to use their turn signal. Along with those who speed up and refuse to let anyone get in front of them simply out of spite.
• National holidays will be spread out so everyone gets at least one day off per month. No more dry spells from March through Memorial Day.
• Anyone who uses 'chatspeak' will be deported. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of any word of phrase commonly found on an lolcat. Which reminds me - no lolcats. Seriously. Those things creep me out.
• Oh, and Bailey says there should be a law against Speedos. Good call.

... About Frivolity

So I was thinking about what to write for this post, and I'll tell you what, Reader. It turns out, I have NOT been in the mood to tell anybody What I Think lately. Mostly because the thing that has been on my mind is guaranteed to offend some of you, likely to disappoint some of you, and possibly inspire some of you. But whether you understand where I'm coming from or not, it's sure to incite arguments and riots, and I just don't have the energy to go looting right now. Although it would be a great way to get my hands on that camera I've been coveting...

Hence the shallow posts as of late. And hence the lack of comments on any of your blogs. And the mismatched socks I'm sporting. Although it's possible the socks thing is just a coincidence.

The point is, Reader, until I get to a place where other, more blog-worthy thoughts occupy my mind (I'm pretty sure that place is on a mountaintop in Nepal... or possibly Malibu), you're going to be stuck with more of these cursory posts. Like this one. Hooray for puerility!

Remember how I'm a moviequoteophile? Yeah, that's right. Check me out, making up my own words and such. How's that for deep?

Anywho, I'd like to reward you for getting this far in this insipidly boring post by giving you a little game to play! Yea! Here's how it works: I'm going to post a few obscure quotes from some of my favorite quotable movies. I'll only post the first half - your task, Reader, is to complete as many of them as you can and put the answers in my comments.

You don't even have to know what movie it's from! AND, if you don't know the answer, MAKE IT UP!!! You'll get points for being right, but you'll get TOTALLY ARBITRARY BONUS POINTS if you're creative!

Please, don't cheat. Not only do cheaters go to Hell (and my hand basket is already going to be pretty full with all the treats and DVDs Kenna and I are planning to pack), but it'll also be so much more fun for me if you get them wrong.

I'll put the answers up in the comments to this post in ONE WEEK, at which point I will also announce the winner. What becomes of the winner, you ask? Bwahahahaha..... Let the fun commence!

1) "Okay, she is deranged. ____________________________."

2) "The only serious relationship I've been in ended in a broken collarbone and _______________________."

3) "I cannot get married in your mother's dress! She and I are not built the same way." "We can have it altered." "__________________________!"

4) "Watch it, bud!" "Who you calling bud, pal?" "Who you calling pal, friend?" "______________________________?"

5) "I think it's a mail plane." "How can you tell?" "___________________________?"

6) "Only the meek get pinched. ___________________________."

7) "I was hoping she was expelled, ___________________________."

8) "Only one thing in the world could have dragged me away from the soft glow of ____________________________________."

9) "You leave little notes on my pillow. I told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. __________________________________. ________________________________________________!"

10) "I'd say I'm a pretty darned good father. My father tried to eat me. ________________________________________!"

... About Having Some 'Splaining To Do

Saturday morning, I was in my bathroom getting ready for the day when I heard Bailey out in the dining room. I'm not sure exactly how to spell what she said, and spell check is not being helpful, but my best guess is that it's something like: "Uergh!"

I opened the bathroom door to see what she was uerghing about and saw her standing in the kitchen doorway, staring at the floor. "What?" I asked. "Uergh," she replied, pointing. I walked out to see what the problem was and, low and behold, my kitchen floor was coated in a thick layer of water and soap suds. It appears our dishwasher elected to stop draining properly and instead spew its soapy innards all over our linoleum.

Bailey grabbed the mop and I grabbed a towel from the linen closet, and we proceeded to soak up the mess and deposit it into the kitchen sink. At one point during the cleanup, while chasing the rogue bubbles that had wandered underneath the fridge, I commented, "This reminds me of something out of 'I Love Lucy.' Only... not funny." Bailey concurred. We were like cheerless versions of Lucy and Ethel, wiping up the evidence of some unfortunate and misguided shenanigan in a very ho-hum kind of way.

This worries me, Reader. Why wasn't it even remotely funny? Lucy and Ethel would have turned our little leak into a riotous adventure. Heck, even the Brady kids would have gotten a well-deserved chuckle or two. Leaking water and oozing soapsuds are practically guaranteed comedic fodder! And yet, during the cleanup and while talking about it later, we pretty much emoted... nothing.

I don't get it. Bailey and I both have senses of humor. It wasn't a huge mess - it took less than ten minutes to clean up. We weren't angry or upset or overly concerned about the dishwasher exploding - we'd just call our apartment maintenance to come over and fix it. It was a Saturday morning, so it isn't likely that we were in particularly caustic moods. We should have been able to see the humor in the situation. I mean, we laugh at things that aren't funny all the time. Like the fact that we both instinctively overanalyze that stupid Skittles commercial every time it comes on. And the danger of sitting in our uber-comfortable but nearly-broken recliner. And Katie.

Than why not laugh at this, which actually has potential to be funny? Is it because we're... *gulp*... 'mature'? Or, even worse, could we be... BORING?!

Ay, me! Oh, how it hurts to even entertain the possibility!

We're not boring! Are we? Do boring people get sucked into the glories of 'Planet Earth' and watch for hours on end? Do boring people leave their apartment to hang out with friends at least twice a month? Do boring people make themselves the same thing for dinner practically every night for a week? I don't think so, Reader. Our lives are rich and full and highly entertaining. Average Joe and Jane would consider it a privilege to be the proverbial flies on our wall, to get to witness the hilarious antics of our day-to-day lives!

Just picture it, Reader! Imagine getting to sit back and watch me go to work every day! You could laugh along as I spent hours on the phone making futile collection calls. You'd have to stop at catch your breath as I processed incoming checks. And don't even get me started on the hilarity that would ensue as I sorted credit card receipts! You'd be in stitches to see me come home and microwave a chicken pot pie.

Oh, my, Reader! Can you imagine how awesome it would be if they actually turned my life into a TV show? Think of the possibilities! Laugh track, shmaugh track - a sitcom of my life would make the world drown in real, honest-to-goodness mirth! Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha HA ha ha ha!

...uergh.

... About Doing My Patriotic Duty

Take a gander outside, Reader. The leaves are almost gone, there's a crisp chill in the air, passersby are bundling up in scarves and sweaters. You know what that means: it's time for you to start thinking about what you're going to buy me for Christmas-slash-birthday!

It's a wonderful time of year.

But you know what's even MORE wonderful about it? I know, I know, it's hard to conceptualize anything better than hunting for my perfect Christmas-slash-birthday present. Except maybe hunting for my perfect Christmas-slash-birthday presents. But really, Reader, there's something else we can all look forward to.

In just 36 short hours, this damn election will finally be over.

Sheesh, I thought this day would never come. I'm sick to death of the attack ads, I'm sick of the angry opinion-slinging, I'm sick of the news coverage that reports the same nothing over and over and over and over again. I'm sick of the magazines with their oh-so-insightful opinion headlines about why Obama won't win because he's black, or why McCain won't win because he's old. I'm sick of the billboards trying to get me to vote for some guy for city councilman just because he was stupid enough to slap a twenty-foot high picture of himself wearing a football helmet over the highway.

Don't get me wrong, Reader. I'm a fan of democracy. I'm all for elections and freedom of choice and all that hooey. What I am not a fan of is being sandblasted with all the worthlessness for the past two years. I don't CARE if Obama's former minister is a jackass. I don't CARE if Palin's teenage daughter is pregnant.

I don't CARE if SuperDell.

I think it's one of the biggest faults of our electoral system that they allow campaigning to begin so long before the election. Maybe if these people running for office had to actually focus on their jobs as senators and governors a bit more and left the campaigning until just MONTHS before the election instead of YEARS, there wouldn't be time for such mudslinging nonsense and the American public could actually get a bit more information on the nominees' political stances.

It actually makes me miss the days of high school politics. The kids running for Junior Class Secretary or Student Body Vice President stuck to the issues. They were direct with their point. Their campaign slogans were things like, "Eric For VP - No Battle!" or "Vote for Whitney - the Guy with the Girl's Name". I was sitting in The Commons one time when a kid walked up to me and asked for me to vote for him.

"I'm running for President," he said. "It's easy to remember because it rhymes with my name."
"Your name is Brandon," I reminded him.
"Yeah."
"That doesn't rhyme."
"No, but now you won't forget it, will you?" he quipped.

Well played, Brandon. Well played. McCain and Obama could learn a thing or two from you.

So tomorrow, I'll head over to the public library and stand in line to cast my vote. I'll gather with fellow Americans who have had to sort through all the garbage to figure out which candidate they believe will be best for the country. I'll take part in this election because it is my right and my privilege as a citizen of this great nation. I'll stand proud as I add my voice to the millions that are speaking out for democracy and freedom. 'Cause I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free, with purple mountains majesty from sea to shining sea.

Wow, that's AWESOME of me. Keep how awesome I am in mind when you're shopping for my Christmas-slash-birthday presents.