... About My Fool-Proof Investment Strategy

Reader, I have a wee conundrum. A plight, really.

*sigh*

The thing is, Reader, there probably isn't anything any of you can do about it. Almost everyone that reads this blog is either married, in a different state, in junior high, my mother, or some combination of these. And that, in fact, is part of the problem - I simply do not know many local single young adults, least of all many local single young adults who would be interested in taking me up on a very lucrative investment offer.

Yes, an investment. I have a grand idea, a revolutionary idea, one that will change the very world as we know it, and I'm looking for an investor. Hence my plight. It's rarely a good idea to go into business with a friend or with family, especially when you're essentially asking them for financial backing. It can be a bit... awkward... But, the thing is, I have to be very picky about who I ask to be my new business partner. It has to be someone I can trust, someone I can work well with - in fact, I have a long list of responsibilities they would have to be willing to fulfill. This scheme of mine will only work if I can find a suitable partner. Someone who is willing to take a risk, and understands that the greater that risk the greater the potential for... well... greaterness.

I know what you're thinking, Reader. My last grand idea ended with a broken collarbone, a dead meerkat, and the second-most disgusting fluid that has ever been in your eye. But this one will be different, I swear. I've thought it all out. Here's my plan:

I move into a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment. My investor will provide support for 50% of my cost of living expenses (rent, utilities, etc.). As an immediate return on the investment, and as a show of good faith, I will provide one of the bedrooms and bathrooms for my investor's private use, as well as opportunities to use the living room and kitchen areas on a case-by-case basis. We can negotiate a cap on these "perks" at time of signing. As part of the long-term investment benefit structure, the investor will be permitted to act as a (silent) partner on the future direction of the plan; i.e., the investor will be allowed to participate in a vote determining whether or not a certain rice-paper lamp really goes with the rest of the living room furniture, or whether this week's Monday Movie Night should show Finding Neverland or reruns of Arrested Development, etc.

So, you see, Reader? I've done my research on this. My plan is sound. There are still a few kinks to work out, but for the most part all I need to do is find my elusive investor. So if any of you have been looking for just such an opportunity, and are willing to get divorced or take an aging potion (or both?), let me know. Have your people call my people.

... About What Life Has Taught Me

I read an article today that had a list of life-lessons, as taught by 99-year-old retired heart surgeon Michael DeBakey. Here are just a few:

• People often use words in a loose way that covers over what they're talking about. I like to choose words that get to the basics.
• What advice would I give a doctor preparing for surgery? First and foremost, walk into the right operating room. After you've got the right room, make sure you've got the right patient.
• Okra is the key to good gumbo.
• There are questions that I'd like answered. But there aren't any answers to those questions.

So this article got me thinking. Sure, this dude is 99 and has performed over 60,000 surgeries. Sure, he revolutionized surgerical procedures that repair damaged arteries (such as aortic dissection), and is the oldest living patient of the procedure he invented. But does that mean his decades of life experience automatically trump my decades of life experience? Who's to say that he's learned anything in his 99 years that I haven't already mastered in my 24? I know many valuable life lessons that Dr. DeBakey has probably never even considered. So, here you go, Reader. Here are a few things that I have learned:

• 66% of the time, the toast will land on the carpet butter-side down.
• In 1,000 years, when school children are studying the downfall of our civilization, that chapter in their history books will be titled: "roflmao & cul8r & txtspk, Oh My!"
• There is no such thing as "the perfect man", and there never will be. Not unless science manages to create a perfect Stephen Colbert/Terry Pratchett hybrid. While you're at it, let's throw in a dash of Jack Handy, for good measure.
• No iPod will ever have the sound quality or impressive selection to match the music in my head.
• Chips & Salsa is the always the perfect appetizer/side dish for any meal. Pizza? Of course. Sandwiches? Naturally. Cajun Chicken Alfredo? Bring it on. Bring. It. On.
• I am never more motivated to do great things, or more determined to meet my goals, than I am in the first few minutes after collapsing into bed at night.
• In his later years, Albert Einstein once said, "I have reached an age when, if somebody tells me to wear socks, I don't have to." I reached that age when I was about 6. You tell me what that means.
• Everybody knows that everybody else is one of the world's worst drivers.
• As long as I remain my own harshest critic, I think I'm doing alright.
• If I weren't a Mormon, I would probably choose to worship Ben and Jerry. Can you just imagine it? I would actually be excited to go to Sundae School every week, where we'd learn about the dichotomy of our half-baked eternal souls - half cookie dough, half chocolate fudge brownie, all good in the sight of our Vermont-based gods. Members would proudly display their beliefs to the world with their Phish Food bumper stickers. Oh, the joy! The sweet, caramel-core of joy!
• Anyone who still doesn't understand why you should never take the top spoon out of the drawer is beyond help.
• Soylent Green is.... PEOPLE?!
• Flip-flops are rarely a wise fashion choice, and just as rarely should you care.
• If you fall asleep on the beach, odds are you'll wake up with sand boobs.
• The sun always shines a little brighter on payday.
• When people say you look 'a little tired', don't kid yourself. What they mean is that you look like you just woke up in the middle of a crap burrito with extra crap sauce.
• If you can't find it on Amazon, it's not worth having.

... About Gettin' Jiggy with Tom Shane

I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I think it's time for an intervention. I have a friend in trouble, and as a friend I simply can't stand by and let him continue his downward spiral. I don't know what else to do. He's been my friend ever since I moved to the valley 13 years ago. And he's your friend too, Reader. I know you're probably just as concerned as I am. So hopefully, if we work together, we can help put an end to his disturbing behavior. Sometimes it takes a little tough love to help a lost loved one get back on course.

I don't really know exactly how to put this. I've been running over it again and again in my mind, trying to figure out the best way to start. But, I don't know, maybe I'm just too emotional about it. I'm waiting for the perfect words to come and just drawing a blank. So I guess I'll just come right out and say it. *deep breath* Here it goes:

Tom Shane, what the hell?!?!?!

For as long as I remember, your dulcet tones have been emitting sweetly from my radio during every third commercial break on any given station, gently reminding me that for quality, selection, service, and value, now I had a friend in the diamond business. Friend? Friend? I thought we were friends. But you've changed, Tom. I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

Case in point: last night I paused between changing CDs in my car when I heard your familiar, no-fuss voiceover encouraging young men in love to take the plunge and visit your store (on the corner of State Street and 7200 South, open Monday through Friday 'til 8, Saturday 'til 5, closed Sunday; also available at shaneco.com) for an engagement ring. Your kind, fatherly voice is the greatest sales pitch you have - buying a ring from you is the equivalent of a good ol' heart-to-heart with Dad. But then, all the sudden, something changed. You changed, Tom. Suddenly, without warning, you switched tactic mid-sentence by saying, "We have the largest selection around, so it's totally chill."

I'm sorry, what? "Totally chill"? You're Tom Freaking Shane! You are not supposed to talk like an attention-starved wannabe! Then, after I've barely had time to process that mind-boggling statement, you follow it up with, "Our sales people don't work on commission, so there's no one up in your grill..."

Once I regained consciousness I rapidly advanced through the stages of grief. First was denial. That didn't just happen. There's no way. I had to be imagining it. I mean, he's Tom Shane! He hand-selects his diamonds and negotiates prices directly from the source. He would never try to change his image, to appear "hip" or "cool" just because some idiot hotshot at a good for nothing advertising venture would dare to suggest that he need to find a better way to reach his target demographic - wow, it's alarming how quickly denial shifts to anger. Because he did! He did let some greaseball get the better of him! What next, Tom? Are you going to start referring to your hand-cut gems as "bling-bling"?!?!

Maybe he really felt he had no choice. I don't know what the extenuating circumstances are. Maybe he's really in trouble. Maybe it's my fault. I have lots of friends who have gotten engaged - did I tell all of them to make sure to visit the Shane Co. for their rings? When my siblings and I bought my mom a mother's ring for Christmas, did we support our friend Tom? Let me make a bargain with you, friend - if you stop this nonsense I'll be sure to never buy high-quality jewelry anywhere else!

I'm sorry, Reader. It's just so sad. It's like... some things you expect will always be the same, always be dependable, and then they just turn on you and it's so... depressing. I just don't know how I can ever think of Tom Shane the same. My idea of him is forever tainted. *sigh* But I guess that's just the way life goes sometimes. He's still my friend, and even though he's made a mistake and shown poor judgement, I can't abandon him now.

So I know this is going to be tough, Tom, but I'll be here to help you through it. That's what friends are for. Fo' shizzle.