It's cold season, and though I'm not usually a sheep (baah!) I decided to hop on the Let's-Cough-Until-Our-Lungs-Actually-Physically-Hurl-Themselves-Out-Of-Our-Bodies Train. This weekend, my cold virus decided to manifest itself as, surprise, a hacking cough, but with a twist. Laryngitis. Without a doubt, laryngitis has got to be the single funniest medical affliction. EVER. Turret's Syndrome may have run a strong campaign, but Laryngitis still came out on top. Seriously, if you didn't get a chance to hear my attempts to speak this weekend, you missed out. I absent-mindedly started singing in the shower and I sounded so ridiculous that it made me burst out laughing. Which made me cough. Which made my throat worse. Which made me sound funnier.
It was a long cycle of microbially infected joy.
Chelsey and her mom invited me and my mom to accompany them to the Music and the Spoken Word on Sunday morning. My mother had spent the better part of Saturday trying to convince me into a self-induced NyQuil coma, and since she'd have to stay within a fifty-foot radius of me for a couple of hours on Sunday morning she ever-so-subtly left some cold medicine on the kitchen table.
What, Mom? How can you not want to know what you sound like with laryngitis? I mean, seriously, listen to me! It's hilarious!
One time in high school I was desperate for a little relief from a bad cold, and obviously delirious from lack of sleep due to being up all night coughing. So I opened a bottle of NyQuil and got smashed. Seriously. I had a massive hangover the next day.
But that's not why I don't like to take it now. It's not that I'm morally opposed to cough syrup (although aspirin is a different story, but that'll be for different entry). I just hate it. It's nasty and disgusting and tastes like cherry-covered foot. And, I don't think it works all that well. Even when I was completely sloshed, the only difference was that I had little pink elephants keeping me company as I coughed. I finally found some cough drops that didn't taste horrible (they were grapefruit, actually), but they made the roof of my mouth raw. What's your problem, pharmaceutical industry? Or, as GOB would say, "Come on!" Why are you sucking billions and billions of dollars out of us and giving us nothing in return but artificial fruit flavored lungs?
Try as you may, I will not give in to your enticing advertisements. No way. I'm no sheep (baah!). I'm tough, I can handle this measly little chest cold without your...
*cough!* *cough!* *COUGH!* *COOOUUUUGGGHHHH!*
Mommy? Where's the NyQuil?
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