... About What Life Has Taught Me

I read an article today that had a list of life-lessons, as taught by 99-year-old retired heart surgeon Michael DeBakey. Here are just a few:

• People often use words in a loose way that covers over what they're talking about. I like to choose words that get to the basics.
• What advice would I give a doctor preparing for surgery? First and foremost, walk into the right operating room. After you've got the right room, make sure you've got the right patient.
• Okra is the key to good gumbo.
• There are questions that I'd like answered. But there aren't any answers to those questions.

So this article got me thinking. Sure, this dude is 99 and has performed over 60,000 surgeries. Sure, he revolutionized surgerical procedures that repair damaged arteries (such as aortic dissection), and is the oldest living patient of the procedure he invented. But does that mean his decades of life experience automatically trump my decades of life experience? Who's to say that he's learned anything in his 99 years that I haven't already mastered in my 24? I know many valuable life lessons that Dr. DeBakey has probably never even considered. So, here you go, Reader. Here are a few things that I have learned:

• 66% of the time, the toast will land on the carpet butter-side down.
• In 1,000 years, when school children are studying the downfall of our civilization, that chapter in their history books will be titled: "roflmao & cul8r & txtspk, Oh My!"
• There is no such thing as "the perfect man", and there never will be. Not unless science manages to create a perfect Stephen Colbert/Terry Pratchett hybrid. While you're at it, let's throw in a dash of Jack Handy, for good measure.
• No iPod will ever have the sound quality or impressive selection to match the music in my head.
• Chips & Salsa is the always the perfect appetizer/side dish for any meal. Pizza? Of course. Sandwiches? Naturally. Cajun Chicken Alfredo? Bring it on. Bring. It. On.
• I am never more motivated to do great things, or more determined to meet my goals, than I am in the first few minutes after collapsing into bed at night.
• In his later years, Albert Einstein once said, "I have reached an age when, if somebody tells me to wear socks, I don't have to." I reached that age when I was about 6. You tell me what that means.
• Everybody knows that everybody else is one of the world's worst drivers.
• As long as I remain my own harshest critic, I think I'm doing alright.
• If I weren't a Mormon, I would probably choose to worship Ben and Jerry. Can you just imagine it? I would actually be excited to go to Sundae School every week, where we'd learn about the dichotomy of our half-baked eternal souls - half cookie dough, half chocolate fudge brownie, all good in the sight of our Vermont-based gods. Members would proudly display their beliefs to the world with their Phish Food bumper stickers. Oh, the joy! The sweet, caramel-core of joy!
• Anyone who still doesn't understand why you should never take the top spoon out of the drawer is beyond help.
• Soylent Green is.... PEOPLE?!
• Flip-flops are rarely a wise fashion choice, and just as rarely should you care.
• If you fall asleep on the beach, odds are you'll wake up with sand boobs.
• The sun always shines a little brighter on payday.
• When people say you look 'a little tired', don't kid yourself. What they mean is that you look like you just woke up in the middle of a crap burrito with extra crap sauce.
• If you can't find it on Amazon, it's not worth having.