Hola, Lector! Feliz Cinco de Mayo! It's time to break out the nachos and margaritas! Ay-ay-ay!
Cinco de Mayo is far and away my favorite quasi-American holiday. Mostly because I love Mexican food, but also because I've had some pretty fun and exciting Cinco de Mayos in the past. For example, last year I went to Birdie and Marcus's wedding on Cinco de Mayo (Feliz Aniversario!) and that was tons of fun. The year before, Cinco de Mayo marked the end of my finals and the first break I had from school for over a year.
But I think my best Cinco de Mayo ever was three years ago. I don't think it's a coincidence that on 5/5/05 I got to spend the day with 5 uber-celebrities. These aren't just your run-of-the-mill movie stars, Lector. These are the top tier of the entertainment/sports/stage-management world. Joe Perry, the man who can describe a kiss with a kick-a guitar riff! Hank Azaria, the man of a thousand voices and the bespectacled scientist who left Phoebe for Minsk! George Foreman, the man who named all five of his children after himself and introduced a new way to grill delicious food while knocking out fat! Biff Henderson, the man who sets up mind-boggling stunts, ambushes red carpets and small towns alike, and... well, basically sacrifices his dignity for humor! And last but not least, Conan O'Brien, the man whose hair can be seen from space!
Wow. Can you believe that was three whole years ago, Lector? How time flies.
Why can't we Americans steal more foreign holidays and call them our own? Victoria Day in Canada is coming up soon. We should totally celebrate Victoria Day. But how? Let's ask Dr. Google:
"Several Canadian cities hold a parade in honour of the holiday, with the most famous being in the monarch's namesake city of Victoria, British Columbia. This holiday is also often celebrated with fireworks shows. In some parts of Canada, the holiday is colloquially known as May Two-Four. This phrase has two meanings: the holiday always falls near the date of May 24, and a two-four is Canadian slang for a case of 24 bottles of beer, the most common packaging of the drink in Canada (wikipedia.com)."
Fireworks and beer? That sounds just like the kind of holiday that Americans would embrace! But let's not just stick to our unsuspecting neighbors Mexico and Canada - there's a whole world full of holidays we can steal! Guy Fawkes Day, Greek Independence Day, Janmashtami; the choices are limitless! We'll never have a normal, boring day again. Whenever we feel like our lives are in a rut, and there's nothing new happening, there'll be no worries because it's a holiday and there's something to celebrate! The world will be a more joyful place.
But it's not just about stealing other countries' holidays, Lector. It's about embracing them as American holidays the way only Americans can - with piles of food, obnoxious revelry, and pyrotechnics. That's the kind of America I want to raise my kids in, one that celebrates simply being alive (and living longer, thanks to healthier eating options with George Foreman's Next Grilleration).
I can just see it now, Lector. Sitting around a fire on Scottish Burns Night, celebrating life, love, and low-fat grilling with my dear children Kristen, Kristen, Kristen, Kristen, and Kristen.
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