... About Risky Business

When I got to work this morning, I had a voicemail from Super Dell. He told me that he had a friend who was using advanced technology to run his weed-whacker on water, but that the government wouldn't tell people about it because they're Socialists.

Well, thanks a lot, Government.

I'm not going to lie to you, Reader. It scared me. This was obviously a personal attack, a direct result of me publically questioning Super Dell's right to exist a month ago. He tracked me down! Blast! The LAST thing I need right now is to be a blip on Super Dell's radar. I mean, the man is a total loon, with a history of waving guns around and threatening to shoot people.

So it's official. I've crossed over into the realm of journalists who put their lives at risk just to get that golden story. I am Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, 2002. I am Geraldo in Iraq, 2003. I am Dan Rather in Manhattan, 1986 ("What's the frequency, Kenneth?!").

When you're scared for your life, Reader, there's only one logical thing to do. Cruise eBay for body armor. Like this:

Yup, that should do nicely. As long as they don't shoot me in the face.

So then I was thinking, it's a good thing I'm going to be wearing body armor full-time now, because boy, could I use it. It's too bad I didn't realize I was Super Dell's mark before this last weekend, because it could have protected me from the many dangerous pitfalls awaiting me in the Provo River.

Katie decided that for her birthday, she wanted to get a group of us together and go ride down the Provo River on tubes. I know what you're thinking, Reader, and you're right. I do have a tendency to fall off of things such as rafts, jetskis, snowmobiles, Razor scooters.... My mom says it's probably a good idea for me to avoid any high adventure activities. But I figured this would be totally different. This trip was going to be just like that time we took that peaceful float down the river at Xel~Ha, with the only difference being that on the Xel~Ha river I fell out of the tube. I mean, it was Mexico, so it doesn't really count.

Turns out, the Provo River float was nothing at all like the Xel~Ha float, with one minor exception - I fell out of the tube.

Now, wait. I don't really think it's fair to say I "fell out". More like I was "coerced" out. By a tree with a highly convincing argument. And then some rocks who were likewise persuasive.

Had I been wearing full body armor, this would have been a very different adventure. Not only would I be spared numerous bumps, scrapes, and bruises, but I would have won the fight with that tree by a landslide. I could have taught that tree a lesson it would not easily forget. I could have walked away from that river with dignity, and without exposing any of my pasty skin to harmful UV rays. How have I managed all these long years without it?

So I'm off to find me some good ol' American-made body armor to protect me from the likes of Super Dell, passive-aggressive trees, and Socialists.

I hope it comes in red.