... About Avoiding My Fifteen Minutes

I'd like to think that I was not the only one rolling my eyes in the Radium Stadium yesterday as a hoard of young women (and a few men) screamed out highly articulate phrases like, "MARRY ME, RYAN! " and "WOOOOOOOO! ".

Nothing against Seacrest, personally. He seems like a nice enough guy - maybe comes across as a tad arrogant, but certainly personable and likable enough. It's just the whole sycophantic notion of people throwing themselves at the feet of celebrities for no better reason than that they're famous. I think I must have some kind of mental block in that area, because obviously the rest of America gets it. That's the only reason why people like Paris Hilton or the Kardashians exist.

Now, I know what you're thinking, Reader. I obviously do appreciate celebrity to some degree - hence my Top Five. And it's true. Sometimes it's fun to watch or read about famous people, especially good-looking famous people. But I'm far more interested in what their next film role is, or book they've written, or song they've released, than who they're supposedly dating or what rehab they're visiting. Their private lives are not nearly as fascinating to me as the actual work that they do that is deserving of fame. And I really don't understand why people are so willing to proclaim their undying devotion for such celebrities en masse and in public.

Do they really expect that the sentiment will be returned, that George Clooney is going to see them in the fanatic crowd, fall instantly in love and sweep them away to his Lake Como villa? Or that Brad Pitt will suddenly abandon Angelina and their 247 children and let them whittle away the hours tracing the contours of his cheekbones with their fingertips? I have to wonder if the women screaming out how much they loved Ryan Seacrest yesterday ever show the same intensity of passion for their loving boyfriends or husbands.

There were even girls getting all giggly and wanting to snap photos with Justin Guarini, who was wandering around outside while we waited in line. Seriously? For the life of me I can't figure out why he'd be there, and especially why he'd still be attracting "fans". Because if they were fawning over him just to make fun, that's pretty cruel. Funny, but cruel.

So, anyway, while Maren and I were sitting in the stands for about sixteen and a half trillion hours waiting for our turn to audition, she was surprised to discover that I don't really WANT to make it on American Idol. I wasn't trying out to, you know, try out. I was just going along for the ride and figured, why not? "I tried out for American Idol" makes a much better story than "I didn't try out for American Idol."

But even if I did have the pipes for it, (and trust me, I'm not one of those people delusional enough to think I do, or that even without the voice my winning personality and neon-blue chicken suit will suffice) I wouldn't want to be on the show. In fact, in a world where it would somehow have been possible for me to make it to the next round of auditions, I doubt I would have gone. I just don't crave the spotlight, the attention, the airtime - in fact, I'm rather opposed to the idea.

Yes, Reader, I realize that the career I'm aspiring to is very much involved with fame and fortune. But that doesn't mean I have to actively participate in it. Yes, I want to win an Oscar someday - but for screenwriting, not for acting. And my acceptance speech will likely just be, "Thanks, everybody." That way no one can say I left them out and I can do my part to keep the show on schedule. And at the end of the day, no one will remember who I am, and that's fine with me. Seriously. Name me five screenwriters without using IMDB. Not famous actors-turned-screenwriters or book authors-turned-screenwriters. People that make their living writing movies. Betcha can't do it.

Now name me five people who are in the tabloids but have never made a movie, written a book, or had a song on the radio. Much easier, isn't it? And that's what I'm talking about. I'm not opposed to having my time in the spotlight because I want to hide from the world - not entirely, anyway. But what's the point of being famous anymore? The rules of the game have changed - people aren't famous for accomplishing anything. They're famous for making out with Flava Flav on national TV (who isn't even famous for a good reason himself).

So my inevitable fifteen minutes of fame are up for grabs, Reader. Go ahead, take them for yourself, and see if you can get some use out of them. I'm perfectly content to just sit back and shine the spotlight on somebody else. That is, until I'm working on a movie that stars Matt Damon, and we meet at a pre-production meeting and the sparks fly.... then you can kiss me good-bye. But I'll be sure to thank you, Reader, along with all the other little people who got me there.

I love you, Matt Damon! WOOOOOOO!