... About the Icy Clutch of Fear

Reader, I have a confession to make. Now I know this is silly, and that I'm being entirely irrational, and that my behavior in the past has proven that I'm prone to bouts of paranoia, but I have developed a certain type of phobia that's becoming a bit overwhelming. It keeps me awake at night, and I think it's really beginning to affect my relationships with other people.

I know what you're thinking, Reader, but you're wrong. This isn't about bees.

Seriously.

Not that bees aren't the single most frightening creatures on the planet and some sort of sick and twisted joke from God (this is me not laughing, Big Guy), because they are. But it's wintertime, and the bees are hibernating or migrated south or something, which means that this other fear of mine has taken center stage.

Now don't laugh at me, Reader. I'm only telling you this because I feel we've developed a sort of trust, a safe harbor for our most intimate secrets, and I desperately need to talk to somebody about this.

Sometimes I worry that I am the person they base annoying SNL characters on.

It all started a couple of months ago when Bailey and I were watching "The Soup". On the show, Joel McHale showed a clip of a girl in some reality show who was very very excited to meet some 'famous' person. She was so excited, in fact, that she pinched her eyes shut and squealed about it in such a voice so high-pitched I'm surprised I could hear it at all, all while flapping her hands nonsensically in front of her face as if attempting to cool down her glee.

"I do not understand why girls do that," I said to Bailey.

"Are you kidding me?!" she replied. "You do that all the time!!!!"

I do? Seriously? I had no idea! How could it even be possible that I act like that and never realized it? Then, a couple of days later, I caught myself doing it.

Oh.

My.

Hell.

What's wrong with me?!

Shortly thereafter, Reader, I began to recognize pieces of myself in other annoying TV characters, like Penelope on Saturday Night Live. I mean, I'm not best friends with a tomato and Liza Minelli (one can only dream), but am I always trying to one-up everybody else, or is that just my imagination? I'm sorry if it's true, Reader. I don't mean to be 'that' person. Trust me, the very last thing I want to be is a character played by Kristen Wiig. Amy Poehler, sure. But Kristen Wiig? What have I done to deserve that? What have you done to deserve that?

I'm worried about my future. How far will this go? Will I soon discover that I've unknowingly become a middle-aged squeamishly kinky professor who spends all my free time in a hot tub eating spiced meats with my lovah? Or that I'm a hyperactive Catholic school girl who's bound and determined to make it big in showbusiness?

Am I an ignorant slut?

Part of me feels like I should just lock myself up in a cave somewhere for a few months just to keep myself from becoming an annoying SNL character. But then, I suppose that would be like hibernation, in which case I'd be just like bees. Now that's a scary thought.