Reader, you know that guy who does those late-night infommercials about how if you give him a bunch of money he'll teach you how to get the government to give you a bunch of money? He wears a smoking jacket with dollar signs all over it and prances around the Washington monument like a loon? You know who I'm talking about, the guy who looks like a cross between Bill Nye and Woody Allen?
I hate that guy.
And I'm SO happy that I finally got a chance to prove him wrong. Even without forking over my hard-earned cash to learn his "invaluable methods!" to "achieve! real! financial! success!", I managed to trick the government into literally giving me free money. And unlike that greedy sonuvabee, I'm going to tell you how I did it. You don't have to pay me anything or buy my yet-to-be-published book (pay me money and buy my yet-to-be-published book). I'll tell you exactly how I tricked the government into sending me $600 last week.
I paid my taxes.
I know what you're thinking, Reader. Why in the world would any right-minded citizen pay taxes? Well, lemme tell you, doing your civic duty pays off. So I decided to do my civic duty once again and spend my $600 like President Bush asked me to, to help 'stimulate the economy.'
Now I'm a good girl with high morals, and am generally opposed to stimulating things before marriage. But I am also a law-abiding citizen and understand the importance of respecting the office of the President (even if respect for the person who locks himself in that office to, Iuhno, play the Wii for six hours a day? is waning), so I girdled my loins and drove to the one place where I could be guaranteed to spend obscene amounts of money - Target.
Target and I have a love/hate relationship. I always walk in with a purpose - today I am buying shampoo, today I am buying socks, etc. I love that I can get these little necessities at a good price. But Target hates it when I leave with only the item(s) I intended on purchasing. So the Powers That Be fill up my little red cart with all sorts of stuff that I never knew I needed. But once I spot them, waiting for me to rescue them from their retail shelf-prison, these poor homeless items must be mine!
That is not to say that I always buy frivilous or useless things. They all have some sort of logical purpose. Once I went to Target for mascara and came home with a little cabinet and storage totes for all of my toiletries. Did I know I needed something like that before I passed the aisle it was in? No. But I'm glad I have it now - it's a much better system for keeping my makeup, lotions, and hair stuff organized than my old method, which was basically throwing it all in a basket and never finding what I wanted.
But I still always feel a little bit guilty, no matter how productive my purchase turns out to be. It's the cheapskate in me. So I couldn't bring myself to spend all of the government money. Even though it was totally free and should therefore be totally guilt-free, my heart about stopped when the register passed the $100 mark. Because, after all, I don't want to be one of those people who become consumed by their posessions. Like Edward Norton at the beginning of "Fight Club". What a sad life that would be, sitting home alone every night, surrounded by all your fancy stuff but with no one to share it with. When you can't sleep you console your loneliness by watching late night infommercials for fitness equipment and kitchen gadgets and -
Ooooooh! A Magic Bullet! Gotta get me one of those!
Thursday, May 15
Monday, May 5
... Acerca de Mis Tres Aniversario
Hola, Lector! Feliz Cinco de Mayo! It's time to break out the nachos and margaritas! Ay-ay-ay!
Cinco de Mayo is far and away my favorite quasi-American holiday. Mostly because I love Mexican food, but also because I've had some pretty fun and exciting Cinco de Mayos in the past. For example, last year I went to Birdie and Marcus's wedding on Cinco de Mayo (Feliz Aniversario!) and that was tons of fun. The year before, Cinco de Mayo marked the end of my finals and the first break I had from school for over a year.
But I think my best Cinco de Mayo ever was three years ago. I don't think it's a coincidence that on 5/5/05 I got to spend the day with 5 uber-celebrities. These aren't just your run-of-the-mill movie stars, Lector. These are the top tier of the entertainment/sports/stage-management world. Joe Perry, the man who can describe a kiss with a kick-a guitar riff! Hank Azaria, the man of a thousand voices and the bespectacled scientist who left Phoebe for Minsk! George Foreman, the man who named all five of his children after himself and introduced a new way to grill delicious food while knocking out fat! Biff Henderson, the man who sets up mind-boggling stunts, ambushes red carpets and small towns alike, and... well, basically sacrifices his dignity for humor! And last but not least, Conan O'Brien, the man whose hair can be seen from space!
Wow. Can you believe that was three whole years ago, Lector? How time flies.
Why can't we Americans steal more foreign holidays and call them our own? Victoria Day in Canada is coming up soon. We should totally celebrate Victoria Day. But how? Let's ask Dr. Google:
"Several Canadian cities hold a parade in honour of the holiday, with the most famous being in the monarch's namesake city of Victoria, British Columbia. This holiday is also often celebrated with fireworks shows. In some parts of Canada, the holiday is colloquially known as May Two-Four. This phrase has two meanings: the holiday always falls near the date of May 24, and a two-four is Canadian slang for a case of 24 bottles of beer, the most common packaging of the drink in Canada (wikipedia.com)."
Fireworks and beer? That sounds just like the kind of holiday that Americans would embrace! But let's not just stick to our unsuspecting neighbors Mexico and Canada - there's a whole world full of holidays we can steal! Guy Fawkes Day, Greek Independence Day, Janmashtami; the choices are limitless! We'll never have a normal, boring day again. Whenever we feel like our lives are in a rut, and there's nothing new happening, there'll be no worries because it's a holiday and there's something to celebrate! The world will be a more joyful place.
But it's not just about stealing other countries' holidays, Lector. It's about embracing them as American holidays the way only Americans can - with piles of food, obnoxious revelry, and pyrotechnics. That's the kind of America I want to raise my kids in, one that celebrates simply being alive (and living longer, thanks to healthier eating options with George Foreman's Next Grilleration).
I can just see it now, Lector. Sitting around a fire on Scottish Burns Night, celebrating life, love, and low-fat grilling with my dear children Kristen, Kristen, Kristen, Kristen, and Kristen.
Cinco de Mayo is far and away my favorite quasi-American holiday. Mostly because I love Mexican food, but also because I've had some pretty fun and exciting Cinco de Mayos in the past. For example, last year I went to Birdie and Marcus's wedding on Cinco de Mayo (Feliz Aniversario!) and that was tons of fun. The year before, Cinco de Mayo marked the end of my finals and the first break I had from school for over a year.
But I think my best Cinco de Mayo ever was three years ago. I don't think it's a coincidence that on 5/5/05 I got to spend the day with 5 uber-celebrities. These aren't just your run-of-the-mill movie stars, Lector. These are the top tier of the entertainment/sports/stage-management world. Joe Perry, the man who can describe a kiss with a kick-a guitar riff! Hank Azaria, the man of a thousand voices and the bespectacled scientist who left Phoebe for Minsk! George Foreman, the man who named all five of his children after himself and introduced a new way to grill delicious food while knocking out fat! Biff Henderson, the man who sets up mind-boggling stunts, ambushes red carpets and small towns alike, and... well, basically sacrifices his dignity for humor! And last but not least, Conan O'Brien, the man whose hair can be seen from space!
Wow. Can you believe that was three whole years ago, Lector? How time flies.
Why can't we Americans steal more foreign holidays and call them our own? Victoria Day in Canada is coming up soon. We should totally celebrate Victoria Day. But how? Let's ask Dr. Google:
"Several Canadian cities hold a parade in honour of the holiday, with the most famous being in the monarch's namesake city of Victoria, British Columbia. This holiday is also often celebrated with fireworks shows. In some parts of Canada, the holiday is colloquially known as May Two-Four. This phrase has two meanings: the holiday always falls near the date of May 24, and a two-four is Canadian slang for a case of 24 bottles of beer, the most common packaging of the drink in Canada (wikipedia.com)."
Fireworks and beer? That sounds just like the kind of holiday that Americans would embrace! But let's not just stick to our unsuspecting neighbors Mexico and Canada - there's a whole world full of holidays we can steal! Guy Fawkes Day, Greek Independence Day, Janmashtami; the choices are limitless! We'll never have a normal, boring day again. Whenever we feel like our lives are in a rut, and there's nothing new happening, there'll be no worries because it's a holiday and there's something to celebrate! The world will be a more joyful place.
But it's not just about stealing other countries' holidays, Lector. It's about embracing them as American holidays the way only Americans can - with piles of food, obnoxious revelry, and pyrotechnics. That's the kind of America I want to raise my kids in, one that celebrates simply being alive (and living longer, thanks to healthier eating options with George Foreman's Next Grilleration).
I can just see it now, Lector. Sitting around a fire on Scottish Burns Night, celebrating life, love, and low-fat grilling with my dear children Kristen, Kristen, Kristen, Kristen, and Kristen.
Friday, April 25
... About The Readership of This Blog
A couple of years ago I came across a list of 1000 places to see before you die. At that point I'd seen maybe a dozen of them - since then I've visited a few more. But not very many. And I started to feel discouraged, because I'm at least a quarter of the way through life, so I should be a quarter of the way through the list, right? That made me feel kinda blue.
But then I started thinking. That list is all about places to see, but there's no mention about the stuff you should do once you get there. And really, isn't life all about the stuff we do? I've done all sorts of stuff that isn't on the list! Now, I've never seen the Shari-i-Zinda tombs in Uzbekistan or the Yasawa Islands, but I have gone to Denny's at 2 in the morning with crazy makeup all over my face. So rather than write a list of things I want to do before I die, here's a list of 25 Amazing Things I've Already Done. Some are location specific, others could have happened any time, anywhere:
1 - I have bartered with a man named Babu over the price of a sweater.
2 - I have walked barefoot through the grass in front of the White House.
3 - I have gotten my classmates and myself out of a quiz by telling the teacher it was my birthday. Three times. In the same class. In the same year.
4 - I have laughed so hard I fell off the couch.
5 - I have appeared on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien".
6 - I have gotten two science fair trophies at the same time.
7 - I have swam with sting rays.
8 - I have sung my way into a free ticket to sporting events.
9 - I have worn $800 Manolo Blahniks.
10 - I have been a presenter at an awards ceremony.
11 - I have gone snipe hunting.
12 - I have dyed my hair blue, and not just for Halloween.
13 - I have frolicked through a fountain.
14 - I have touched the rocks at Stonehenge.
15 - I have been hugged so hard that it made me squeak involuntarily.
16 - I have chased a pig at a rodeo.
17 - I have eaten breakfast in a 700-year-old pub.
18 - I have slept mere feet away from a live, wild buffalo. (It's a buff!)
19 - I have snuck up on a couple making out in a car and scared them.
20 - I have used someone dressed in a giant cat suit to ask a guy out.
21 - I have seen the back of George Washington's head. And Thomas Jefferson's, Teddy Roosevelt's, and Abe Lincoln's.
22 - I have been pooped on by a bird.
23 - I have eaten a chocolate crepe in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower.
24 - I have snuck into a theater halfway through a show.
25 - I have been applauded for simply walking into a room.
Wow. What a full and productive life I lead.
Hey, Reader, do me a favor. Are you paying attention? Okay.
I want every person who reads this blog to add a comment and list a few of their shining moments.
Follow my examples above. Or don't, if you're feeling all James Dean about it. If you don't have a Blogger userID, just do it under "anonymous" and make sure you include your name in the comment. Even if I've never met you, and you're just blog-stalking me because Kenna told you to. Even if you're someone who regularly posts so I already know that you visit. Even if you think you don't know how to work the "comments" option because these dagnag computers are just so confusing.
The truth is, Reader, I have no idea how many of you are even out there. Every now and then someone unexpected will say, "I was reading your blog and dot-dot-dot". I'm just insanely curious! I want to know! Because knowledge is power.
Which reminds me....
26 - I have carried on a week-long argument about which is more powerful, knowledge or nunchucks.
But then I started thinking. That list is all about places to see, but there's no mention about the stuff you should do once you get there. And really, isn't life all about the stuff we do? I've done all sorts of stuff that isn't on the list! Now, I've never seen the Shari-i-Zinda tombs in Uzbekistan or the Yasawa Islands, but I have gone to Denny's at 2 in the morning with crazy makeup all over my face. So rather than write a list of things I want to do before I die, here's a list of 25 Amazing Things I've Already Done. Some are location specific, others could have happened any time, anywhere:
1 - I have bartered with a man named Babu over the price of a sweater.
2 - I have walked barefoot through the grass in front of the White House.
3 - I have gotten my classmates and myself out of a quiz by telling the teacher it was my birthday. Three times. In the same class. In the same year.
4 - I have laughed so hard I fell off the couch.
5 - I have appeared on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien".
6 - I have gotten two science fair trophies at the same time.
7 - I have swam with sting rays.
8 - I have sung my way into a free ticket to sporting events.
9 - I have worn $800 Manolo Blahniks.
10 - I have been a presenter at an awards ceremony.
11 - I have gone snipe hunting.
12 - I have dyed my hair blue, and not just for Halloween.
13 - I have frolicked through a fountain.
14 - I have touched the rocks at Stonehenge.
15 - I have been hugged so hard that it made me squeak involuntarily.
16 - I have chased a pig at a rodeo.
17 - I have eaten breakfast in a 700-year-old pub.
18 - I have slept mere feet away from a live, wild buffalo. (It's a buff!)
19 - I have snuck up on a couple making out in a car and scared them.
20 - I have used someone dressed in a giant cat suit to ask a guy out.
21 - I have seen the back of George Washington's head. And Thomas Jefferson's, Teddy Roosevelt's, and Abe Lincoln's.
22 - I have been pooped on by a bird.
23 - I have eaten a chocolate crepe in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower.
24 - I have snuck into a theater halfway through a show.
25 - I have been applauded for simply walking into a room.
Wow. What a full and productive life I lead.
Hey, Reader, do me a favor. Are you paying attention? Okay.
I want every person who reads this blog to add a comment and list a few of their shining moments.
Follow my examples above. Or don't, if you're feeling all James Dean about it. If you don't have a Blogger userID, just do it under "anonymous" and make sure you include your name in the comment. Even if I've never met you, and you're just blog-stalking me because Kenna told you to. Even if you're someone who regularly posts so I already know that you visit. Even if you think you don't know how to work the "comments" option because these dagnag computers are just so confusing.
The truth is, Reader, I have no idea how many of you are even out there. Every now and then someone unexpected will say, "I was reading your blog and dot-dot-dot". I'm just insanely curious! I want to know! Because knowledge is power.
Which reminds me....
26 - I have carried on a week-long argument about which is more powerful, knowledge or nunchucks.
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