... About Being a Human Reference Book

I've been racking my brains trying to figure out what to buy my friends and family for Christmas. Sometimes my parents can be infuriatingly difficult to buy presents for. They don't need anything, and the stuff they claim to want would officially make the lamest gifts ever (a can opener, Mother? Seriously? Who asks for a can opener?).

But, you'll be glad to know that I finally thought of the perfect Christmas gift for you, Reader. A Pocket-Sized Edition of Me. That way you can carry me around with you everywhere you go, and whenever you're curious about how to spell something, or where to place the apostrophe, or whether a semi-colon or comma would be more appropriate, you can just whip the Pocket-Sized Edition of Me out and get your answer, lickity split.

But wait, there's more! The Pocket-Sized Edition of Me isn't limited to grammar and spelling. It also comes with Entertainment, Current Event and Pop Culture databases. So the next time you're wondering, "What's the name of that guy in that one show...?" or "So what's the deal with Darfur, anyway?" the Pocket-Sized Edition of Me will be there with a quick, informed, and rarely falsified answer.

I know what you're thinking, Reader. And you're right. Sometimes it's hard to let go of the original and accept something new. I suppose you could continue to rely on the First Edition of Me, and call me at work to ask how to correctly punctuate a sentence, or text me at one in the morning because you simply cannot sleep until you remember the name of that guy who makes the salad dressing (it's Paul Newman, by the way). After all, the First Edition of Me has been answering all your pertinent but random questions for years now. You know you can rely on me to educate, inform, amuse, and occasionally just make stuff up just so you can feel a little more fulfilled. But I offer you my personal guarantee that the Pocket-Sized Edition of Me contains all the same knowledge, insight, and B.S. that you've grown to love in the First Edition of Me, just in a more convenient size.

Plus, the Pocket-Sized Edition of Me comes with a handy travel case in your choice of color.

You have no idea what a relief it was to finally figure out this gift. You're a hard person to shop for, Reader. Not since the year I bought my sister a pencil with a penguin-shaped eraser have I been so happy with my choice for someone's present. I know you're going to love it. But just in case, I'll be sure to include a gift receipt so you can exchange the Pocket-Sized Edition of Me for something you really want. Like a can opener.