... About a Possible Japanese Robot Invasion

The first recorded incident of a robot killing a human in the United States was on July 21, 1984 in Michigan. The man was squeezed to death by a robot he operated at a manufacturing plant. As soon as we read about this, Bailey and I immediately noted the "in the United States" part. We both took that to mean that there had been lots of Japanese people killed by robots.

The Japanese, who lead the world in robot installations, also lead in robot-related fatalities: There have been reports of at least 5, and possibly as many as 20, such deaths in Japan.

-- "In the Lions Cage." Forbes, October 1985

So we were right. As far back as 1984, Japan had already created a race of super killer robots! And now they're preparing for an all out Japanese Robot Invasion. Don't believe me? Check this out:



Okay, so I realize that it's a little hard to read the caption, but this is as large as I could make the picture without it getting all pixelated. So I'll just give you the basics. See the lady in the photo? The one happily getting her teeth drilled?

Robot.

I kid you not, my friend.

This picture is from last week's robot convention in Tokyo. According to the caption, this is the largest robot convention in Japan. The robot was designed to give dental students "realistic practice situations." They can drill on the robot's teeth, and the robot will cry if they make a mistake.

Several things about this bother me. First of all, this is the "largest" robot convention in Japan? Just how many robot conventions do they have?! Secondly, the last people on the planet that we want buddying up with robots in the event of an all out Robot War is dentists. Trust me.

Reader, I know what you're thinking. And you're wrong.

Just imagine for a moment that some Japanese engineer took one of their 1984-style killer robots and prettied it up by slapping one of these "real people" robot faces on it. This photo is undeniable proof that Japan is planning a mass robot invasion! Or, more likely, that it's already underway. Just think of any vacation you've taken. Did you see any overly excited Japanese tourists? Were they taking photo after photo of seemingly random things? One word, my friend. Recon.

Luckily they won't invade us. They like us. Who doesn't love Americans?

Oh, right.

Crap.

There's good news, though. I think the Japanese have inadvertently given us a clue about how to bring these robots down. Amateur dentistry. The robots have sensitive teeth! They cry out if their teeth are drilled incorrectly. If I know anything, it sure isn't how to correctly drill a tooth! So I'm going to arm myself with a portable dentist drill. If ever I meet someone and suspect they may be a robot, I'll just fire that bad boy up! If they scream with simulated pain, then I'll know they're a Japanese Human Impersonation Robot and that they must be destroyed.

Now where can I get my hands on one of these drills? Is there a dentist convention anywhere around here?