... About Restoring My Faith in Humanity

Let me make this perfectly clear, Reader. I am not a Yankees fan. That is not to say that I am a not Yankees fan. I really don't have much of an opinion one way or the other. The Yankees stir up about as much emotion in me as post-it notes would stir up in a beaver. Less, actually. So are we clear on that? Let's review. Kristen + Yankees = Not A Fan. Kristen + Not Yankees = Not A Fan. Yankees : Kristen = Post-Its : Beavers. Is everybody caught up? Good.

That said, Reader, I am an undeniable Yankees fan. Why, you ask? Not because they hit stuff with sticks and run around in circles. No, I am a Yankees fan because they have wholeheartedly embraced the spirit of National Keep It Classy Day. They've accepted my challenge and have already done wonders toward making the world a little classier. The Yankees have done a complete 180 and changed from a greedy, corporate-driven multi-trillion dollar sports franchise into a standard of American excellence. How, you ask? Well, first of all, they added very classy pinstripes to their uniforms. Next thing you know, they'll be playing in monocles. Then, rather than draft another tobacco-chewing-wife-beating-steroid-sucking athlete, the Yankees very wisely chose a new player with a reputation for being one of the classiest guys around. He's guaranteed to raise the bar throughout the MLB. Meet the newest addition to the Yankees roster:

I know what you're thinking, Reader. The Yankees are fools for not utilizing this untouched gem earlier. I can't think of anyone who would work harder for that team than Mr. Billy Crystal. He's been a Yankees fan (and not just in a not a not fan kind of way) for half a century now, and has long dreamed of stepping out on the diamond with his favorite team. Now, at 59 years young, this class-act's dream is finally coming true. Not only is this a very classy move on the Yankees' part, it's a smart one as well. If there is anybody who can make mainstream America want to watch baseball again, it's Billy Crystal. I mean, seriously. Who doesn't love this guy? Ratings will shoot through the roof. Other franchises will take notice and follow suit. Soon the baseball diamonds of America will be filled with people like Tom Hanks, Anthony Edwards ... maybe even Mickey Rooney!

So, way to go, Yankees! Through your act of classiness, you are not only fulfilling the dream of an American icon, but you are revitalizing our love for a forgotten pasttime. The world may never be the same.

What's that you said? Whaddya mean, Billy only gets to play in one measley exhibition game?! That's it?!

Stupid Yankees. I am not a fan.