... About My New Favorite Word

• sompletely (adj) - entirely and whole-heartedly, but with reservation or exception

Okay, Reader, let's use it in a sentence: I sompletely enjoy stupid people whose single-digit brain cell count provides me with plenty of fodder for my misanthropic banterings. I won't embarrass the somplete genius who unintentionally added this gem to the lexicon by referring to them by name, but I'll give you a sompletely helpful hint. S/he may or may not be related to someone who may or may not be in a romantic and/or platonic relationship with someone who may or may not read this blog.

Is your brain churning yet, Reader? Good.

I'll openly admit, that when this word was discovered by myself and the unfortunate relation of its creator, we just chuckled. But it got me thinking. If a somplete half-wit can come up with a new word, why can't I? I mean, think about it. Sting invented the word 'synchronicity,' and he's a ruddy Rhodes scholar. Are you trying to tell me that this neanderthal has more in common with a Grammy-winning mega-genius than I do? I should think not. I must come to conclude that anybody can come up with a brilliant new word.

I think the trick is finding a word that so perfectly sounds like what it means. That's the real art behind 'sompletely' and 'synchronicity.' So now I have to decide - do I go the intelligent route, like Sting, and change the part of speech of a pre-existing word and thus create a new meaning, or do I take the sompletely easy way and just combine two words that are so close to being opposites that they actually work when put together?

... Well, it is Friday. Easy way wins!

Let's see... how about... 'chaorganized'? No? Hmmm. How do you feel about 'specterrible'? Really? 'Cause I kinda like it.

Turns out this may be harder than I thought.

There has to be a better way, a middle ground, something inbetween Rhodes scholar and neanderthal... I know! Will Ferrell! If anyone knows how to ride the line between idiot and intellect, it's Will Ferrell. And he invented two of my all-time favorite words: ginormous and scrumtrelescent! So maybe I should follow the Ferrell method of combining two similes to create a super-simile. That's how I'll manage to come up with a fantational new word!

'Fantational'? Should that be my new word? Probably not. I'm not sompletely in love with it.

... About Staples

I consider myself to be a fairly patient person, Reader. I'd have to be. I mean, come on - just look at my friends (you know who I'm talking about, and of course it isn't you!). But there's one tiny little thing that always annoys me. I know it isn't that big a deal, and I should just let it go, but I'm telling you, Reader, it really chaps my hide. I just don't understand why some people feel compelled to staple everything in sight. I just got a stack of four receipts with five staples in it. I know what you're thinking, Reader: Surely, I jest. Well, unfortunately, no (and don't call me Shirley). Why?! WHY would you ever need to use more staples than there are objects to be stapled?!

And the kicker? The kicker is this: two of the receipts were upside-down. So never did it occur to The Great Staplemeister to use his excess of staples to staple things the right way! I mean, he took five shots at it and still managed to mess up. I have to wonder if this isn't some kind of sick, cruel joke, like maybe somebody's having a good laugh about it.

Speaking of, don't you hate it when people laugh at their own lame jokes? Part of you feels like you should be polite and offer a courtesy laugh, but then the reasonable part of you grabs the polite part of you by the collar and hoarsely whispers, "You don't want to encourage this type of idiocy, do you?!" You know that if you laugh, they'll just do it again. It's the whole positive reinforcement thing. But, no matter how hard your reasonable side protests, you know the polite side will win out. So you smile with way too much teeth, force a couple of raw "HAR!"s out of your throat, and then hate yourself the rest of the day for being such a faker.

It's almost as bad as when you have to make small talk with people who obviously enjoy small talk more than you. I can't stand those people. Wouldn't you think that my lack of eye contact, my mumblings of "yeah, sure" and "uh-huh" would offer some kind of clue that I'm entirely disinterested in this stupid story about your life? Like the lady at the check-out counter at the gas station today who, instead of ringing up my muffin, launched into a story about how worried she gets when her 16-year-old grandson stays out all night with his friends. Part of me wanted to say, "No worries, lady, he's probably just perusing around my neighborhood at 3 in the morning with his speakers turned up full blast."

Seriously, Reader. Those kids make me want to scream. I mean, if you want to listen to that brain-numbing music and drive around wasting gas all night, it's your prerogative. But do you have to be so disrespectful of people who might be trying to sleep in the middle of the night? People have lost all sense of common courtesy, and it makes me insane. They butt in line like 4-year-olds, or they gab away on their cell phones while you just have to sit and wait for them to finish their oh-so-important conversation about how so-and-so did such-and-such to who-and-who, they swerve around in traffic without using turning signals. But the worst act of discourtesy? The worst is when they just leave their shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot instead of putting them back in the cart bay.

That's just ridiculous! How hard is it to walk an extra ten feet and put your cart away? It's pathetic how lazy they are. It's like they're completely in their own universe, and their brain just doesn't register how stupid they are letting themselves be. These people are so lazy that I bet if they button the wrong button they just say, "eh" and let it go. I bet if the battery in their remote wears out they'd rather just sit on the couch and watch lame Discovery channel shows about dung beetles than get up and change it manually. I'd even venture so far as to guess that if they made a mistake when stapling receipts, they wouldn't even bother to remove the misapplied staple before slapping another one in. How about one more, for luck? Why do they feel compelled to use so many staples?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Like I said, Reader, that's the only thing that really gets to me. So maybe try to be a little more conscientious next time? Otherwise I might lose my patience.

... About Restoring My Faith in Humanity

Let me make this perfectly clear, Reader. I am not a Yankees fan. That is not to say that I am a not Yankees fan. I really don't have much of an opinion one way or the other. The Yankees stir up about as much emotion in me as post-it notes would stir up in a beaver. Less, actually. So are we clear on that? Let's review. Kristen + Yankees = Not A Fan. Kristen + Not Yankees = Not A Fan. Yankees : Kristen = Post-Its : Beavers. Is everybody caught up? Good.

That said, Reader, I am an undeniable Yankees fan. Why, you ask? Not because they hit stuff with sticks and run around in circles. No, I am a Yankees fan because they have wholeheartedly embraced the spirit of National Keep It Classy Day. They've accepted my challenge and have already done wonders toward making the world a little classier. The Yankees have done a complete 180 and changed from a greedy, corporate-driven multi-trillion dollar sports franchise into a standard of American excellence. How, you ask? Well, first of all, they added very classy pinstripes to their uniforms. Next thing you know, they'll be playing in monocles. Then, rather than draft another tobacco-chewing-wife-beating-steroid-sucking athlete, the Yankees very wisely chose a new player with a reputation for being one of the classiest guys around. He's guaranteed to raise the bar throughout the MLB. Meet the newest addition to the Yankees roster:

I know what you're thinking, Reader. The Yankees are fools for not utilizing this untouched gem earlier. I can't think of anyone who would work harder for that team than Mr. Billy Crystal. He's been a Yankees fan (and not just in a not a not fan kind of way) for half a century now, and has long dreamed of stepping out on the diamond with his favorite team. Now, at 59 years young, this class-act's dream is finally coming true. Not only is this a very classy move on the Yankees' part, it's a smart one as well. If there is anybody who can make mainstream America want to watch baseball again, it's Billy Crystal. I mean, seriously. Who doesn't love this guy? Ratings will shoot through the roof. Other franchises will take notice and follow suit. Soon the baseball diamonds of America will be filled with people like Tom Hanks, Anthony Edwards ... maybe even Mickey Rooney!

So, way to go, Yankees! Through your act of classiness, you are not only fulfilling the dream of an American icon, but you are revitalizing our love for a forgotten pasttime. The world may never be the same.

What's that you said? Whaddya mean, Billy only gets to play in one measley exhibition game?! That's it?!

Stupid Yankees. I am not a fan.

... About Losing My Faith in Humanity

I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a proprieter of msn.com. Angela set it as the homepage on my work computer, and I never changed it. There's some interesting and informative information to be found. For example, today I learned that March 4 is National Grammar Day! Hooray! It's also the only date that is a complete sentence. See what wonderful things the internet has to offer? Brilliant. However, today on msn.com I found something blatantly un-brilliant, something altogether disturbing - nay, alarming. One of the features of the website is a short list of 'popular searches'. Today's list comprised of: As the World Turns, the Iditarod, and Jimmy Buffett.

... Really?

This is what people are searching for? No joke, unless any of those search terms takes me to an article about how Jimmy Buffett got blissfully stoned at the Iditarod and managed to mush a toboggan right over the top of Helen Wagner as she and the rest of the ATWT crew were on location shooting a scene where she revealed to Don Hastings that she is actually...*dramatic pause*... his father (dun dun dun!), then none of these things should EVER be at the top of the most popular search list.

So this fully traumatic event got me thinking. What's happening to our sense of culture? When did it become passé to demonstrate a sense of refinement and dignity? Whatever happened to class? Let's face it, Reader. We live in a world where people are doing internet searches on Jimmy Buffett. As unpleasant as that may be, don't we all have a responsibility, as members of the human race, to do something about it?

I know, Reader! I'll do something about it! If some random organization can arbitrarily decide that March 4 is National Grammar Day, what's stopping me from declaring my own national holiday? If Frank Costanza can do it, so can I!

I officially declare April 12, 2008 to be the first annual National Keep It Classy Day. Think of it, Reader! An entire day devoted to higher culture, to art and music and literature created by people who have never been featured on TMZ! We'll immerse ourselves in nothing but class for an entire day. No trashy gossip magazines, no lewd music or TV shows, no mind-numbing books. Spread the word! Just think, Reader, of how much better the country would be, even for just a day, if we left all the trash alone and focused on bettering ourselves, just a little bit.

And when it's all over, we can have frozen margaritas.