... About Gettin' Jiggy with Tom Shane

I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I think it's time for an intervention. I have a friend in trouble, and as a friend I simply can't stand by and let him continue his downward spiral. I don't know what else to do. He's been my friend ever since I moved to the valley 13 years ago. And he's your friend too, Reader. I know you're probably just as concerned as I am. So hopefully, if we work together, we can help put an end to his disturbing behavior. Sometimes it takes a little tough love to help a lost loved one get back on course.

I don't really know exactly how to put this. I've been running over it again and again in my mind, trying to figure out the best way to start. But, I don't know, maybe I'm just too emotional about it. I'm waiting for the perfect words to come and just drawing a blank. So I guess I'll just come right out and say it. *deep breath* Here it goes:

Tom Shane, what the hell?!?!?!

For as long as I remember, your dulcet tones have been emitting sweetly from my radio during every third commercial break on any given station, gently reminding me that for quality, selection, service, and value, now I had a friend in the diamond business. Friend? Friend? I thought we were friends. But you've changed, Tom. I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

Case in point: last night I paused between changing CDs in my car when I heard your familiar, no-fuss voiceover encouraging young men in love to take the plunge and visit your store (on the corner of State Street and 7200 South, open Monday through Friday 'til 8, Saturday 'til 5, closed Sunday; also available at shaneco.com) for an engagement ring. Your kind, fatherly voice is the greatest sales pitch you have - buying a ring from you is the equivalent of a good ol' heart-to-heart with Dad. But then, all the sudden, something changed. You changed, Tom. Suddenly, without warning, you switched tactic mid-sentence by saying, "We have the largest selection around, so it's totally chill."

I'm sorry, what? "Totally chill"? You're Tom Freaking Shane! You are not supposed to talk like an attention-starved wannabe! Then, after I've barely had time to process that mind-boggling statement, you follow it up with, "Our sales people don't work on commission, so there's no one up in your grill..."

Once I regained consciousness I rapidly advanced through the stages of grief. First was denial. That didn't just happen. There's no way. I had to be imagining it. I mean, he's Tom Shane! He hand-selects his diamonds and negotiates prices directly from the source. He would never try to change his image, to appear "hip" or "cool" just because some idiot hotshot at a good for nothing advertising venture would dare to suggest that he need to find a better way to reach his target demographic - wow, it's alarming how quickly denial shifts to anger. Because he did! He did let some greaseball get the better of him! What next, Tom? Are you going to start referring to your hand-cut gems as "bling-bling"?!?!

Maybe he really felt he had no choice. I don't know what the extenuating circumstances are. Maybe he's really in trouble. Maybe it's my fault. I have lots of friends who have gotten engaged - did I tell all of them to make sure to visit the Shane Co. for their rings? When my siblings and I bought my mom a mother's ring for Christmas, did we support our friend Tom? Let me make a bargain with you, friend - if you stop this nonsense I'll be sure to never buy high-quality jewelry anywhere else!

I'm sorry, Reader. It's just so sad. It's like... some things you expect will always be the same, always be dependable, and then they just turn on you and it's so... depressing. I just don't know how I can ever think of Tom Shane the same. My idea of him is forever tainted. *sigh* But I guess that's just the way life goes sometimes. He's still my friend, and even though he's made a mistake and shown poor judgement, I can't abandon him now.

So I know this is going to be tough, Tom, but I'll be here to help you through it. That's what friends are for. Fo' shizzle.