Reader, the greatest scenario possible just happened to me. I don't think anyone could possibly think of any situation that would be better than what I just experienced. Of all the luck! It was one of those things that makes you just think, 'Whoa, did that seriously just happen?' It was like something out of a movie, only better, because in a movie it would never happen quite this perfectly:
I openly mocked somebody, and he responded with a promise to give me muffins.
I love muffins. And I love making fun of people. It's like the two great loves of my life all rolled up into one delicious baked good! With ridicule-flavored blueberries!
I wish all the people I made fun of would reward me with muffins. In that perfect world, Brent Hunsaker would totally owe me my own personal muffin cart by now. And you, Reader.... you'd be hard at work building me a muffin palace. By George, I would make fun of Starbucks ALL THE TIME. They have some of the greatest muffins I've ever tasted. In fact, I'm pretty sure their Pumpkin Cream Cheese muffins are imported directly from Heaven.
*sigh*
You know, Reader, I'm kind of surprised that mockery and muffins haven't crossed paths before. Both making muffins and making fun of people are art forms that must be practiced until perfect. They both make me feel all warm and happy inside, and they both give off such a sweet, homey aroma. And they're both difficult for some people to digest.
Why, they're practically the exact same thing!
No one ever gets angry when you give them a muffin. As the great philosopher Laura Numeroff once said, "If you give a moose a muffin, he'll want some jam to go with it." Yet if you make fun of someone, they don't ask you for jam. No, Reader, they simply don't understand that making fun of them is uniquely parallel to giving them a muffin. If they did, they'd be grateful for my derision! "Pass the preserves!" they'd say.
But alas, it's not to be, Reader. I don't think the world will be very open to my Mockery For Muffins philosophy. Just like you weren't very open to my ideas about running my own country, or attacking potential robots with dentist drills, or adding 'sompletely' to the vernacular. Maybe one day I'll just have to make a movie about a world that embraces my ideas and ideals. It'll be full of comedy, drama, action - it'll make you think, 'Whoa, did that seriously just happen?"
Perfect.
2 comments:
Best philosophical statement about muffins that I've heard for a long time. The last was, in fact, "If you give a moose a muffin..."
I am now going to tell people they can't get mad at me when I mock them. 'Don't throw that perfectly good mockery muffin into the dirt!' I'll yell. Do you know how long it too me to bake that up?!
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