Now, Reader, no doubt you have considered what it would be like running your own country as well, and odds are you've found the task a bit overwhelming. Do not despair! It's not that I'm more qualified to run my own country (although I am). It's not that I'm more intelligent than you (although I am). You probably just went about the whole creating a country thing in an amateur fashion.
I'm willing to bet that your biggest mistake was in allowing yourself to wonder about how the government would be set up. Trust me, Reader. In the long run, it doesn't matter. Democracy, monarchy, fascist dictatorship - myeh. That will all work itself out. What's really important to figure out is the details. It's all in the details. Issues like the way all roads in my country are going to be built with a solar-powered interterranial network of super-enforced heating pipes to completely eliminate the need for snowplows, and also reduce cold weather related driving accidents.
Usually, inspiration for these details comes from my day-to-day experiences. They stem from my desire to fix things that are wrong with the world. For example:
- At restaurants, electronic touch-screen menus built into the tabletops will replace the traditional laminated menus. Think of how much paper, plastic, and ink they'll save in the long run, especially in restaurants that change their menu seasonally! There will be a photo of every item offered, as well as nutritional information, and patrons will always have the option of ordering a smaller portion of any meal at a reduced price.
- Teachers will get paid more than professional athletes. Well, at least more than baseball players. Because, you know, seriously.
- Before graduating elementary school all students must demonstrate that they know the difference between their, there, and they're, and be able to do basic arithmetic without a calculator. In order to graduate middle school they must know how to properly use a semi-colon and have a firm grasp on human biology. Once they hit high school, students will have a strong base in practical knowledge and will be able to pursue the courses they choose. Those who enjoy math will be encouraged to take calculus and statistics and what not, but the resources will not be wasted on those who will never use anything beyond the basic arithmetic needed to balance their checkbook (do you know how many tax dollars were wasted trying to get me through 10th grade chemistry? And for what? So I can look back now and remember that I learned something about riding a mole bus. What the crap is a mole?!). Emphasis will instead be placed on teaching high schoolers about a wide range of cultures, thoughts, philosophies, and ideas - things they'll actually have to use later in life.
- There will be no reality TV shows involving washed up celebrities. Or vain and stupid women trying to earn their 15 minutes by becoming the skankiest skank in all the skankdom. Or vain and stupid men trying to get it on with the skankiest skank in all the skankdom. So pretty much no reality TV.
- And no David Hasselhoff. Children should be able to grow up in a world where they never have to know about David Hasselhoff.
- Anyone caught cruising at or below the speed limit in the passing lane will be deported. As will anyone who habitually forgets to use their turn signal. Along with those who speed up and refuse to let anyone get in front of them simply out of spite.
- National holidays will be spread out so everyone gets at least one day off per month. No more dry spells from March through Memorial Day.
- Anyone who uses 'chatspeak' will be deported. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of any word of phrase commonly found on an lolcat. Which reminds me - no lolcats. Seriously. Those things creep me out.
- Oh, and Bailey says there should be a law against Speedos. Good call.
6 comments:
Um, if that was the case, I would have never made it past the 3rd grade.
Yeah, what the hell is a mole anyway?
I believe that chem teacher compared a mole to a dozen, in that it is sort of a unit of measurement. Or something like that.
While I think your ideas have some merit here, I'm not so sure about the touch-screen menus on the table--have you ever taken a toddler out to eat?
Seriously? I think the menus are one of my best ideas. They're built in to the tabletop, so they can't get dropped or broken. PLUS - you can put games on them like they do on kids' meal menus to keep them entertained while they wait for the food! Where's the downside?
Oh, and I just decided. People that don't know how to use a stapler are getting deported, too.
See, An, this is why I only grant temporary visas until people prove themselves worthy! Saves on deportation expenses.
I'll be the dictator of the country next to yours. We will share a lot of the same laws. However, my country will have solved the cold thing completely, with an exception of a week before and after Christmas when it will snow and people will not have to go out on the road because they will have a week off before and after that to do all of their traveling. I will discriminate a lot, too. Don't worry, my deportees will not be headed to your country, but to Siberia.
And definitely no moles allowed in any form. Gross.
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